Few things stress me out more than an aggressive acquaintance bent on scheduling some obscure hour of my week for an obligatory catch-up coffee or drink. Don’t get me wrong here. Remarkably awkward though I admittedly can be, I like to be around most people, and a lot of those people seem to at least moderately enjoy being around me. But even with those people, I suck at structured social interaction, preferring things to happen “organically” (ie, instantly when it’s convenient for both of us). When we’re talking about a person whose presence causes me mild anxiety, I find myself expending all kinds of energy to politely avoid setting a date.

These things usually start innocently and remain easily avoidable. My favorite half-hearted attempts at getting back in touch are things like Facebook wall posts: “Hey, Laura! Long time, no talk! We should get together!” This is perfect. I’ll post something like, “Totally! Let me know when you have free time!” Then we can look at each others’ profiles and satiate that socially-required tradition of keeping in touch without ever having to meet face-to-face. Social networking. So efficient.

Phone calls are great, too, because I can let them go to voicemail. Those of you who know me well are now probably pretty concerned about your status as my friend because I let all my calls go to voicemail. A lot of you have gone so far as to ask why I even own a phone or if I’d like help in understanding how to use it. I’m sorry. The phone stresses me out even if you’re my best friend. Seriously. Ask those friends; they know exactly how much I like them, and they can’t get a hold of me either.

When someone I don’t want to talk to calls, however, I play a genius game of phone tag: I let them leave a message, and then I call back when I’m 95% sure that they’re not going to be able to answer to leave THEM a message, thus returning the ball to their court. This game can go on indefinitely until they finally give up, resorting to a Facebook message. Victory.

Less fun for me are things like text messages and emails. These require response, and are usually more direct than the impersonal wall post. These usually ask me for information on my life, which is completely fine. I’m happy to wax poetic about my life in writing any old day of the week (no, really, Laura? Do go on). The problem comes when they then try to pin me down to a date. Sometimes I’ll get nervous and accept in this format. Sometimes I’ll follow through. Sometimes I’ll make an excuse 24 hours in advance.

The absolute worst of all, though, is the face-to-face encounter. With all of the above methods of communication, the person in question is often an old friend, so even if they stress me out, somewhere, deep down, I probably kind of want to see them. The face-to-face encounter expands the types of people that can attempt to monopolize my time, and thus the layers of awkwardness that can ensue.

The politics of refusing face-to-face are harder because the other person can see your body language and hear your tone of voice. So while an email I may have sent would strike the appropriate casual tone while subtly hinting a real-life meeting is not in the cards, face time makes that balance harder to achieve. I always end up way too enthusiastic, and, then, an unwilling participant in a future scheduled event, or way too unenthusiastic, eliminating my chance of ever hanging out with that person (which is probably fine) but also looking like a d-bag.

“We should get together!”

“We TOTALLY should! What a great idea! I love getting together!”

“Uh, how about next Friday?”

“Uhhhh, yeah! Uh, let me check my calendar. Oh, look at that, free and clear. I guess we’re getting together next Friday! Great! Next Friday will be SO MUCH FUN!”

or

“We should get together!”

“… Should we?”

Moral of the story: there’s a reason why Facebook is taking over the world, and I think I’m okay with that. Oh, you forward-thinking internet geeks. Your social-avoidance topics are going mainstream.